Not sure what the Furture holds

Sometimes, we come to a fork in the road and we're not really sure which direction we're suppose to go. One path looks well worn and so you immediately know that everyone has gone down that road. But the other is more over grown and less visible; yet something deep inside of you keeps calling out to you to go that direction. Do you dare take that step towards the unknown? How to you make that decision?

Can you flip a coin? I suppose you could. Heads you go left like everyone else before you; Tails you go right; on a grand adventure into the great unknown. But in doing do so, your decision affects the lives of everyone around you.

I've got big decisions to make for myself and my children. The choices that I am making will effect them and their futures. As my oldest is going off to college next year, its not him that I'm worried so much about as it is my youngest. He is a very impressionable young man still trying to find himself.

But he's also made his opinions known and his desires are similar to my own. I just wonder if he truly understands the implications of the changes in our lives once we make them. I love my children with all my heart and soul. I would truly die for them and I just want to do what is best for them. But isn't there a time in our lives when we have to start living too?

I've been a single mom for 18 years. Yes, you heard me, it will be 18 years in August when my sweet son turns 17! I've never married. All I've ever done is work and raise my kids. I now have this incredible opportunity to move to Seattle, Washington and be with the man I love after my oldest son graduates in June of 2010.

But that also requires me moving my youngest away from family that he adores and that adores him. Ultimately it needs to be his decision. if he wants to move, he will be 12 years old, he is legally old enough to make that choice on his own. But I wonder if he really knows what it will be like away from his Dad, step-mom and younger brothers. I am seriously struggling with this as a Mother. I wouldn't be human if I didn't.

I am not responsible for his brothers as they are not my children, but I love those boys as if they were my own. And I know how much they love my son. He is their older brother and he loves them dearly. To go from seeing him every weekend to once a month and only on holidays is a big change for them.

I know that which ever path my son takes, I will support his decision, because I love him and I trust him. I've put my trust in the LORD as I know where he wants me to be. My future is in Washington. I'm not sure what he has in store for my son but I hope that its with me.

What ever decision Connor makes I love him. He's my son and he will always be my son. And he's got a great Dad that loves him enough to want to fight for him. But at least we're smart enough to work together for the safety and well being of our son. Because we know that that is what ultimately is the most important thing.

Where does all of our time go?

My oldest son Alex has picked a specific university to correspond with that he is interesting in attending after graduation next June. I submitted his online paperwork today to get the application process started for him.


WOW, How did my little red haired baby boy grow up so fast? I remember him on his first day of kindergarten and how excited he was; now he's applying to colleges and planning the rest of his future. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that he's taking an interest and being proactive; but I'm sad that the last 12 years of schooling seem like a big blur.

I don't know if I'm ready for him to go off to college and begin that whole new chapter in his life. I've been his only support his entire life.


Is that how the rest of my life is going to go? You blink your eyes and you miss the birth of your child. You sneeze and your child graduates school. I missed my 20th high school reunion last summer. Twenty years! That's just amazing to me. I still remember Clarice Tinsley from CBS here in Dallas speaking at my graduation. It seems like it was just yesterday, but it will be 21 years ago this coming June.


Its not that I'm feeling old, that's not the problem; its that I feel like I've missed things. I feel like my kids have grown up in front of me but I've been wearing blinders that are only open certain times of the day. Before I know it my youngest will be driving! Ugh, God help us all.

Its just sad how fast the time goes and we don't realize it until our kiddos are grown and gone from the house. I don't know what I'm going to do once Alex is gone away to school and I can't see him everyday. He's my first born, my sweet baby. I won't be able to see his sweet face every day. Now I'm sure that he would say that's a blessing, I think its sad. I'll miss him. But i know that at some point we need to let our "babies" go and move on to live their own lives.

I just don't know if I'm ready to cut those strings yet. Its going to be hard. I spoil my kids way to much and I know that in order for them to survive in today's society I need to teach them to sink or swim otherwise I will be doing them a huge disservice. They will never learn to take care of themselves if momma is constantly supporting them and giving them money.

So I'm ready to back up and let Alex make his own mistakes and learn his lessons. I just hope that I can be a good teacher and learn patience in the process. Because as we all know, every opportunity is a learning opportunity.